the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
