he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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