My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
