I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
