It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
