I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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