i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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