I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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