batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
