everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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