I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
