Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
