im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
