dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Randomize
