I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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