WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
