Even the bartender felt bad for me
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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