I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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