My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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