I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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