Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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