I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
