My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
