I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
