I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
