how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
