i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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