I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
