I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
