It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
