I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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