anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
