I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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