you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
sarcasm needs its own font
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
