My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
The police scanner is talking about you again....
this will be a night to untag.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
