Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
