I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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