I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
