I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
