i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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