You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just gargled with NyQuil
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
