too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
