is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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