seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
