Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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