I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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