My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
