The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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