Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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