Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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