just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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