420 ftw
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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